when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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