does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
