I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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