But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Randomize
