i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
