Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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