just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
In America we eat man semen.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
