I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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