why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
