hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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