i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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