Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Randomize
