oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
