The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
My feet surprised me
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
