I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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