Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
