theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
