Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
