Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Edward fifth and chaser hands
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize