She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
