So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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