Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
