So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
