Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
