Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
