Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
