His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
