he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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