Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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