haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
