Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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