Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
