my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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