you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
