All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
