Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
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I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I need a burrito and a hug.
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I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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