just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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