Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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