the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Randomize
