the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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