I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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