i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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