Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
