i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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