Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
