Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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