when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
