I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
