Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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