Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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