Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
