Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
