i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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