When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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