I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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