I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
