My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
