I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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