I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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