Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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