His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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